MY EMOTIONAL BLIND SPOTS, VULNERABILITY AND SHADOWS

February 9, 2016

As a New Zealand male on my journey to discover my true emotional connection, I do appreciate how far I have come, yet learn today how much further this road will take me. Many years ago, I had the common yet now more outdated New Zealand stereotype attitude of “Take it like a man, men don’t show emotions!”

Yesterday feels like such a divine gift on my journey to discover the true power of the heart and emotions. It was one week after doing Teal Swan’s one day workshop. During the workshop she said she could run this workshop fully online but this would not enable a community of like minded people to come together and connect, forming a new ongoing ecosystems of support. This was the biggest gain for me the new friends and incredible after experiences that follow.

When I share this blog post on Facebook, some friends will again wonder why I am sharing such real vulnerably about my discovery of new fears and the surfacing of new insecurity. The first minute of the following Teal Swan video, so sums up why I really seek to fully uncover any unconscious suppressed fears. To reverse the habit of turning any negative into a positive, my old pattern of hiding in the head. As what ever we suppress will show up again and again.

The big gain from meeting this amazing network of phenomenal people was yesterday in the park! It was an optional gathering of people who attended Teals workshop. One magical person had come up with the idea and organised blindfolded dancing for this particular meeting in the Auckland Domain.

On the day of this gathering I was feeling unsure if I would attend. It was nice to tune into my emotions and share those feelings with the organiser, then I decided to attend. What a gift it was! The dancing was pure bliss, not caring how many cars passed along the domain road slowing down to watch us. They seemed to slow and all be looking at us. Even without blindfolds, we just had energising music going and all 6 of us seeming in tune with each beat, moving being almost lost within the sweet rhythms of the tunes.

It was nice to connect again with the diverse array of beautiful souls attending. Then as I started to sweat, I thought it was time to remove the t-shirt. Some doubt entered my head and then thoughts of would I be judged. Little did I know this was not even the start of a deep dive into self doubt!  

Then an amazing gift of pure presence from another male who was also showing a few signs of sweat on his shirt. He made an observation while we danced, as we paused from dancing briefly. He said something like “I can see you are in your head.” Wow knowing it was in fact true as at that point I was thinking, would I make this choice, shirt or no shirt! What would others think. I actually feel pretty confident about removing my shirt, yet some fear was present. Would I seem like an exhibitionist, then I let go of that thought and moved free again from thinking, as I drop into the music again. Then soon after he returned and he offered me a very powerful message that I could not previously see, yet I had also in the past felt it, mostly at a hidden unconscious type of level.

I soon discovered he has such a gift to tell when somebody truly speaks their truth, which for me turned out to be such a profound gift. A real talent which I am not sure if he fully appreciates this power yet. I know he admires some similar traits in another amazing young lady who was part of this group, who is also opening her gifts in this area as a new career. His gift seems to be that he can fully understand if somebody is talking authentically from their heart, even when the person speaking believes they are being fully present and real, he seemed to be able to look deeper and tell the difference if people are talking more from the head. As I was doing at times. I can often sense if a person is totally in their head and suppressing emotions, as this is my journey and the area of my expertise but the feedback I was getting seemed very different to my gift. It was the opening of an emotional blind spot which feels so critical now for my growth.

So thanks to my new friend for sensing and describing that I am “still holding onto the side of the pool. Not yet taking the deep dive emotionally to a place of total inner truth.” I already know I am at a level of emotional comfort at a plateau that I have been aware of yet unable to really understand. Even after more than 10 years of emotional journeying, having released huge blocks of anger, sadness and had huge growth by connecting emotionally. This significant emotional growth was after having originally being very in the head which had been an escape from anxiety and depression during my first year away from home at University, when I had turned everything into a positive. Even after years of significant growth, I think of myself as emotional authenticity, yet this friend helped me uncover my current stagnation. A new layer that I could in some way feel, yet no really understand or touch until then.

As a result today, I allowed myself to really feel the fear and sit in sadness more rather than using my toolkit of emotional integration methods that are proven to help clear shadow patterns to get new growth. Opening my senses and finally appreciating my unconscious fear of the unknown. The fear of deep water, the fear of claustrophobia that recently scared the living bejesus out of me when getting into a plastic orb ball, that feeling of complete terror and panic. And maybe the biggest of them all the unconscious  fear of really showing up and standing tall, standing out to make a massive impact on this planet, which at some unknown level does hold true as a fear. Therefore today felt like just the tip of the iceberg as I uncover new unknown fear and sadness. Today’s awareness feels like the start of a new deeper journey, so I feel such deep gratitude, from the bottom of my heart for the gift of presence and divine insight that felt so powerful to me opening further inside.

So the next inner journey begins. As a coach I always tell clients you don’t get what you want in life you get what your unconscious stuff creates. Yet by definition we are non normally conscious of this, as I have just discovered, hence the power of somebody else to shed light on the shadows. I knew I have not been feeling the same clarity in my outlook. Often I can sense energy or emotions around me, yet for months I had felt lost. I know my unconscious stuff was creating my future but only today feel ready to bring into the light the shadows that dawn. It seems strange that I am excited by consciously awakening to new fear, as I know that my emotional body is like a muscle, previously before starting my emotional journey, the only range of movement was in the positive range. I used to think I had to be positive to be loved. Hence I turned everything into a positive and unknowingly I suppressed negative emotions. So now a new stage awaits, after many years of emotion unblocking, a technique I do by myself when a non-positive emotion occurs, to open up the unconscious blocks that create this feeling trigger, new uncharted bounds await.

So now my journey is being ok with uncovering new fear of not being good enough, that I may fail and the associated disconnected, disowned pain hidden within that started to surface today. Let the journey begin even though these feelings do not feel great as they come up. Gone are the days of living in a disconnected isolated emotional positive only state. Hence todays blog is only my second deep dive into really expressing my truth and being more open to all that it! To challenge myself to be fully exposed to the truth and vulnerable, this is part of the core of true freedom to be and make a bigger impact on the world. Yet these small steps today feel like a new phase of growth inside.

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